From Doubt to Faith - Caroline Tucker

“Bella premunt hostilia, da robur fer auxilium.” (Endo 106) 

Hostile armies press, Give strength; bear aid.

Silence is a book that, when read, waves of emotions wash over you. Silence brings despair, sadness, and most of all hope. After reading the assigned chapters, I had the urge to sit in a corner and cry my eyes out in despair and sadness. I am not the kind of person who is easily lead to tears. I have never cried after reading a book or watching a movie even if I wanted to. Being that kind of person, I was surprised by the emotions I felt while reading. 

I know we already somewhat talked about Sebastian’s doubt in class but it was the thing that stood out to me the most while reading chapter four through six. A reason this book conveys so much emotion for me is the feeling of comradery. This is because I have had doubts just like Sebastian. It is amazing to me how he completely shifts from doubting his faith and doing the work only because it is his duty, to becoming stronger in his faith to the point that he found hope in the people he was helping as well as in Christ. My favorite part of his transition was when he remembered Christ’s suffering. He realizes “Many centuries ago, that man [Christ] tasted with his dried and swollen tongue all the suffering that I now endure.” (Endo 106) That realization was the tipping point between Sebastian’s doubt and faith. Thankfully, this realization was in favor of Sebatian’s faith. Sebastion’s realization brought to him that he was not going to apostatize, “No matter what happens.” (Endo 106)

Another point that impacted me was Sebastian wondering what he would do if he was put into the same situation as the persecuted Christians. He wonders, if he was a normal Christian and not a priest, how would he react to persecution. He also thought ‘Am I doing this because I am a priest or because I am a Christian?’. Was it his pride of being a priest pushing him? Out of all of these thoughts he then compared himself to the missionaries before him.  

I mention all of this because it reminds me of myself. I have doubted my faith but because of that doubt I have become stronger. I have wondered how I would react to the situations the persecuted Christians went through. I have compared myself to others who are “better Christians” than me. I believe Sebastian represents the “stages” of a Christian. We all have or will have these questions and emotions. However, what matters is not that we have had these questions and feelings but what we do with them and how we overcome them.

I commented on Cade’s and Luke’s posts.